


chased by ghosts of the past (i must run for the future)

by brianbrain



Series: ghosts of the past [1]
Category: The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Roles, Mandalorian Culture, Suicidal Thoughts, The Covert, Trans Male Character, Transgender Din Djarin, Transphobia, pazdin if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brianbrain/pseuds/brianbrain
Summary: got showed some art of trans!Din and bam here we are.
Relationships: The Mandalorian (The Mandalorian TV) & Paz Vizla
Series: ghosts of the past [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1594726
Comments: 7
Kudos: 233





	chased by ghosts of the past (i must run for the future)

50 years old, and it turned out the bounty was a kriffing _adiik_.

"We'll bring it in alive," the Mandalorian stated firmly as he stared down at the small, green creature looking up at them from the metal cradle. There was no way he was killing a child. He didn't expect the murderous IG unit beside him to stand down, either, but it was worth a try.

Of course, with its lack of morals, the droid simply aimed its blaster as it parroted its orders. "The commission was quite specific. The asset was to be terminated."

He hoped the kid hadn't been stuck in that dark shell all alone for 50 years. No child deserved such neglect.

("Hey Dian, it's okay. Don't worry about your mum, parents are like that. You'll be fine without them. C'mon, wanna learn how to catch toads?")

There was no time to think, only a reaction. A shot rang out, and the droid fell with a clatter. The Mandalorian offered his finger, and the child cooed happily and made to grab it with tiny, three-clawed hands.

(A young boy, resigned to death as he crouched in the corner of a storage hatch. Heavy steps clomped closer until the hatch was ripped open. Yet, he lived.)

He'd only done it for the bounty, the Mandalorian told himself. Nobody wants to share bounty with a droid. 

He pulled his finger away and headed for the door, the egg-shaped crib floating after him.

* * *

When they rest on the way back to his ship, he sighs internally at the sight of the kid toddling up to him as he cauterizes his wound.

("Mum, what's going on?" Dian asked, woken up by the sound of coughing. "Is Da ok?"  
"Go to bed, Dian. Don't worry about it." _You're not old enough to help; you'll just get in the way._ )

"I'll be fine," the Mandalorian says quietly, to nobody in particular, and pauses to put the child back in its floating bed. It's for the best.

He has to do it again before he decides to shut the capsule to save himself the trouble.

* * *

Jawas were _the_ worst, he decided when he cracked his eyes open to a blank sky. Darned things had taken apart his ship and run off with all his parts. How was he supposed to get back to Nevarro now? He wasn't keen on getting stuck on some random desert planet.

("Why in the galaxy would you let them take it away from you?" _Why are you so weak?_ "Learn how to stand up for yourself."  
"Yes, Mother," replied the boy, head hanging in shame.)

With a groan, the Mandalorian sat up, a bit stiff from his fall off of the sandcrawler. His quarry was long gone.

At least the kid was still there. He got up and started trudging back to the Razor Crest, the heat and sand weighing down his limbs. He'd have to fix his ship some other way, although the Mandalorian did not know which way that might be.

* * *

The Ugnaught Kuill reminded the Mandalorian of someone, but he couldn't quite place his finger on just who excactly.

("You have to learn to be a little more patient, Dian. Not every problem can be solved by rushing in with blasters blazing. Sometimes a compromise must be made, whether you like it or not.")

"You can trade," Kuill tells him, when the Mandalorian tells him of his ransacked ship.

If his helmet was off, Kuill would have seen a very skeptical man. "With Jawas? Are you out of your mind?"

"I will take you to them," Kuill replies. "I have spoken."

("Yes, Father.")

* * *

The next day, the Mandalorian finds himself in a damp hole in the ground.

First the Jawas had asked for his beskar, then the child, and _then_ they had finally made a semi-reasonable request. Apparently, the musty cave he was currently creeping through held the egg that would get his ship parts back.

He doesn't like the way the cave looks like its inhabited by something very big, but he doesn't have a choice. Unfortunately, Kuill was right when he had said the Mandalorian didn't have any other way to fix the Razor Crest, regardless of how much he itches to disintegrate every single of those Jawas.

The light in his hand does little to illuminate the cave in front of him. Even his HUD sees nothing but black. He's basically blind, waiting for something to rush out at him.

As expected, a large mass comes flying at the Mandalorian from the shadows and he is flung out of the darkness into the bright sun. He lands on his back, all the air driven out of his lungs.

(The boy crouched in the corner of the fresher, choking as he tried to breathe. It was too tight. Oh, what had he done?)

He spends a moment dazed on the ground before his reflexes kick in and narrowly save him from being crushed by a giant foot. Scrambling to his feet, the Mandalorian recognizes the creature as a Mudhorn before it rushes him again and he is locked into a battle of life or death.

* * *

His rifle is jammed. Fire is a mere nuisance against the thick coat of the Mudhorn. Hooking onto the beast with his grappling line is probably one of the more impulsive and stupid ideas the Mandalorian has ever had, since he has zero leverage against it's hulking form. He's out of options save for a short vibroblade tucked in his right boot, which makes a slim last chance.

Yet, he lives. The Mudhorn is held back by an invisible force, and then it's levitated off the ground, kicking and struggling. The Mandalorian sees his chance and takes it, lunging for the soft part of the neck and driving the blade home.

(He stares down the battle droid, waiting for the killing shot. There's nowhere to run. But when a blaster goes off, its the droid that falls, not him.)

The child has the power to lift objects with his mind, the Mandalorian realizes afterwards, remembering how they had held out their hand, face scrunched in concentration. And then they had slumped over, presumably out of exertion, and at the same time the Mudhorn had dropped back to the ground.

No wonder the Imperials wanted them. With that kind of power, the Imps would be looking at galaxy wide domination again.

The child saved _him_.

His chest aches, but he chalks it off as an injury from the Mudhorn's attack.

* * *

It's rare to find someone like Kuill these days. Most anyone can be bought for a couple of credits, but Kuill is in every way his own person. The Mandalorian has no doubt that the Ugnaught would rather jump into lava than be bound to anyone, whether by pay or force.

("Don't be foolish. I will not distribute factory secrets. I will not try to run a fraud operation, no matter how many credits you may promise me. My family will live untainted by your thieving ways. As for you, I hope you know the bite of karma."  
Two men were arguing in low voices. "But they are the ones who have stolen from us. We deserve more than the little they give us. Wouldn't you agree?"  
"The factory pays for this house. It is enough for us to live. Sometimes food is scarce, but we have our own little hunter. I will not stand for blood money."  
"You mean that demon--," the man paused upon hearing a slight shuffle. "Who's there?"  
Murmuring ensues, and then the nearly imperceptible swish of a door, opening and closing.  
"Dian, go back to sleep.")

The words get stuck in his throat a little, for a reason he can't explain. "Then all I can offer is my thanks," he manages.

* * *

"What are your plans for it?"

The question slips out before he can stop it.

"How uncharacteristic of one of your reputation," the Client replies cuttingly. "You have taken both commission and payment. Is it not the Code of the Guild that these events are now forgotten? That beskar is enough to make a handsome replacement for your armor. Unfortunately, finding a Mandalorian in these trying times is more difficult than finding the steel."

The Mandalorian notices threats when he hears one, and he keeps his mouth shut as he picks up the container. It's heavier than he thought it would be, like there's more than just sacred metal inside.

_Manda, please let that be my imagination._

The whimpering of the "asset" as they're taken away most definitely does not affect him.

("Da, why did Mum do it?" Dian whispered, as Da was reaching to open the door.  
Da started slightly, brows furrowing. "What did Mum do?"  
"S-she threw a box of needles at me," came the reply in the darkness outside of the house. "Mum said i-it was my fault, so I-i had to pick it all up. And then she sent m-me outside."  
The man crouched down by the shaking child and wrapped an arm around them, letting out a slow breath. "I'm so sorry, Dian," he said. "I'm so sorry.")

* * *

Mandalorians are attracted to beskar the way Jawas are attracted to unguarded ships. Every single head turns as he makes his way to the Armorer in the heart of the abandoned sewer system. When he sets his cargo down to open it, the crowd has already gathered.

The container reveals its contents with a slight hiss, exposing bars of beskar. The largest of the armored souls steps forward and picks one up.

Paz Vizla.

Paz is predictable as ever, overreacting in his hate of all things Empire. At least, the Mandalorian hopes it's an overreaction.

"These were cast in an Imperial smelter," Paz says, thumbing the Imperial insignia etched on the bar. "These are the spoils of the Great Purge. The reason that we live hidden like sand rats." Helmet or not, the contempt is obvious.

"Our secrecy is our survival," responds the Armorer smoothly as she begins to shape the beskar. "Our survival is our strength."

"Our strength was once in our numbers," Paz countered. "Now we live in the shadows and only come above ground one at a time. Our world was shattered by the Empire, with whom this _coward_ shares tables."

Ah. There it was. In a blink of an eye, both Mandalorians are holding vibroblades to each others throats. Just like old times, in a way the Mandalorian had hoped to never have to relive.

(Two lone wolves, forever locked in a primal challenge.)

* * *

Sitting in the Razor Crest with his shiny new suit, the Mandalorian flips switches in a familiar routine. A bounty puck leading him to Karnac is tucked in his belt. Then, he stops abruptly as he reaches across the dash.

The knob of one of the joysticks is missing.

The kid.

 _No,_ he tells himself. _What's done is_ _done_.

("I've been neglecting you for so long," laughed the woman hysterically. "I'm so sorry, Dian. Please, tell me I'm doing this right. I want to be here for you."  
_What a joke. Mum always lied. This was one of her many ploys to make herself feel better._  
"Tell me I'm doing it right!" the woman screamed, and then a hand came down and slapped Dian into the ground.)

Yet, it was futile to fight the pull of the blood soaking this beskar, the innocent blood on his hands, and the slim tendril of fear in his gut. For who and of who this fear was for was something that eluded the Mandalorian, but before he knew it, his ship was no longer airborne and the Mandalorian's feet were walking him to the hidden den of the Client.

* * *

The _adiik_ is strapped down in a dark room, hovered over by Dr. Pershing. They are unharmed, as far as the Mandalorian can tell, unlike the troopers outside who blindly followed the Empire's cause.

He scoops up the little bundle, and tries to get away as fast as he can.

(You're crazy.)

He's not fast enough. In the final stretch, he is surrounded by hungry bounty hunters, and every last one of them lusts for his blood so long as he refuses to give up the child.

(You're going to die.

 _Not if I can help it._ )

It's the covert that saves them, but at what cost?

(All because of you, the covert will have to relocate. They _will_ be hunted.

 _I trust my_ vod _. Please,_ Manda _, let them be safe._ )

* * *

Maybe they can settle down on Sorgan, the Mandalorian thinks. It seems peaceful, a backwater planet that is the perfect place to lie low while hunters blow by.

Or at least the kid can. A life that leaves death in its wake is not the way for a child, but it's all the Mandalorian has. It was not the Way, especially with no idea what may have happened to his _vod_.

("Promise me you'll be fine," he begged.  
"I'll be fine," she said. "Go!"  
Her lifeless body was found four rotations later, all because he'd decided he wanted a bit of fun chasing monsters too big for him.)

They're sitting in a little pub when he spots her. For a moment, he thinks he's seen one of his old _vod_ again. Strong body, a sharp eyed look, even wearing the same shade of green.

It's not. The Mandalorian doesn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved.

("Dian, how could you betray me?"  
He cowered under her glare, yet he mustered up enough courage to say, "That's not my name."  
"I-i thought we were vod, forever," she said. "I thought you said you hated them. Paz and Juiret and-"  
He shook his head slowly. "I'm so sorr-," he began, but she cut him off.  
"Dian's dead. I don't know who you are," she said coldly. "Get lost. Dian would never lie, unlike whatever scumbag you are."  
"Vie-"  
"Get out!")

Instead, he's found an ex Rebel shocktrooper by the name of Cara Dune, and the next day they're both heading off to the middle of nowhere on a guard job for krill farmers.

* * *

Omera scares him.

He recognizes the way she looks at him, and it makes him quite the uncomfortable man. Another one of _those_ , wanting to see behind the helmet, swooning at "oh big guy in shiny armor". Paz would've had a field day, but the Mandalorian knows they just like the mystery, and his skin prickles _bewarebewarebeware_ in response. He's more than happy to stay random guy in shiny armor.

("Hey," Paz said. "I-uh, wanna go to the surface tonight?"  
He frowned slightly, unseen through the metal mask. What was Paz playing at?  
"Sure," he replies, a bit uncertainly.  
  
Normally, he hates bars. Too many people. But watching Paz throw jabs and play with the minds of drunkards is a Manda-sent gift. By the time they're heading home, his stomach hurts from laughter.)

Thankfully, he can pretend she only came to give him some broth, like she might do to any other guest.

* * *

The Mandalorian watches the children play from his shaded window, quietly sipping Omera's soup. There's the _adiik_ , swallowing a frog whole.

("Rats are not a meal!" Mum screamed. "How could you condone this behavior?"  
"Because it feeds us," Da replied calmly. "Dian knows how to survive, and that is the most important thing. It's not stealing. You might even argue this is helpful to those trying to eke out gardens. I see no problem with it."  
"She's a girl!"  
"And? That has no affect on how Dian should have to behave. She listens to what we say."  
"Not me," Mum hissed. "Not me."  
Da pursed his lips. "Dian, would you like to go outside?"  
  
She ran for a very long time, Da's steady voice against Mum's screech.)

They're all so happy. The kids love the _adiik_. Maybe this is where the _adiik_ belongs. Not him. He's getting out of here as soon as he can. He owes the covert, and he needs to go back; make sure they're all okay.

* * *

In a way, he's not surprised when the raiders end up having an AT-ST.

(It is always better to overestimate rather than underestimate your enemy.)

He learns not to underestimate communities, either, as he watches them pull together to defend their home. They're surprisingly quick learners. At the end of the day, the villagers are victorious. They celebrate, and the Mandalorian slips away to pack his things. The sooner he's gone, the better.

Dune finds him, and asks, "So, what happens if you take that thing off? They come after you and kill you?"

"No," he replies. "You just can't ever put it back on again."

(Outsiders never understand.)

Dune mentions Omera, and the Mandalorian has to work hard not to flinch.

* * *

He was right, about Omera. She goes so far as to put her hands on his helmet, and he wants to scream.

("You're a freak," Mother spat. "Maybe that's why everyone hates you, and for good reason then. It was my fault for not seeing it sooner."  
Father leaned over, and whispered something indistinguishable to Mother.  
"Both of you are a disgrace to the clan," Mother snapped, pushing Father away. Then she got up and strode away without another word.)

He removes Omera's hands as gently as he can. He wants to snap her thin arms. He doesn't like this.

("Don't touch me, please," Dian begged. "Please Mum. Please!" To no avail, of course.)

"I don't belong here," he says, and then the sharp report of a blaster shatters the silence of the valley.

* * *

The Mandalorian gingerly prods the dead body at the Dune's feet and rolls it over to reveal an all too familiar tracking fob.

"Who's he tracking?" the ex-shocktrooper asks.

"The kid," the Mandalorian replies.

"They know he's here."

"Yes."

"Then they'll keep coming."

"Yes," he says. "Guess this isn't backwater enough for us."

(Us. Since when did you and the kid become _us_?

 _Since now._ )

Thank Manda Dune had gotten to the scum first.

* * *

"I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold," mocks the voice of the latest of many enemies.

Internally, the Mandalorian scoffs. He pulls back abruptly, and when his pursuer shoots straight past him, the Mandalorian blows him to bits.

"As if," he mumbles, and then looks over at the child casually sucking on a metal ball. "Not so bad, eh?"

(Really, talking to it now?)

Alarms choose that moment to start beeping, and he grunts in annoyance. Fuel leak. They'll have to land on Tatooine, and the Mandalorian is starting to get sick of desert planets. It's usually where he gets the worst luck.

* * *

"Stay," the Mandalorian tells the _adiik_ sternly. "You _do not_ want to get lost here."

He locks the door behind him, although he suspects the child, however innocent it may look, is smart enough to jimmy it anyways. Hopefully they'll get the idea and not bother to try.

The mechanic looks harmless enough. He doubts she knows who he is, so after making it abundantly clear that no droid is to go anywhere near the Razor Crest, the Mandalorian takes a gamble and goes into town looking for work. He does need to pay for the service, after all.

(This is a really bad idea.)

* * *

Toro Calican makes the Mandalorian question if he was ever this stupid. Probably not, actually. He could go on for rotation and rotations listing how Calican deserved to die.

First, Calican, possibly the greenest bounty hunter to have ever lived, tried hunting Fennec Shand, of all people. Second, he smashed the tracking fob that could have potentially proved very useful as to where Shand was _exactly_. People have legs. They move. Thirdly, Calican was also dumb enough to care more about new binocs over the success of the bounty hunt _he_ wanted. Fourth, the Mandalorian had to explain _everything_ to the brainless rookie. Even with the rep of killing Shand, Calican wouldn't have lasted a day before he got his brains bashed in for how annoying he was.

Fifth, Calican didn't even know about high ground, or any sort of strategy. Sixth, he did a potty dance in front of the Mandalorian, which is behavior more immature than that of five year old Mandalorians. The list went on and on.

Undoubtedly the biggest reason Calican's death was easily justified was how he rashly tried holding the _adiik_ hostage. Worst hostage attempt ever.

(He's definitely not shaking as he tosses the mechanic credits off of Calican's body. He definitely doesn't have to pause to let his brain reset when he realizes the _adiik_ could have died. What if he hadn't had any flash charges for a distraction? What if Calican had gotten bored and decided to take the kid dead?

Why does he even care?)

He really hates desert planets. Except maybe Kuill's. If the Mandalorian can help it, he's never coming back to Tatooine.

* * *

The Mandalorian isn't sure why he thought of contacting Ran for work.

(I thought you said you were done with the past.)

It is pretty much immediate regret. The poor kid gets traumatized, first when the demon Burg pops open their bunk, and then when Zero (why is it always droids?) almost shoots them.

He doesn't mind the hunt. He leaves them alive, the three crammed into the same cell, traded for the prisoner they'd been trying to spring. Death is too easy for them.

As for Quill, the Mandalorian gets only the weak satisfaction of watching him explode after making credits at his expense. He hopes Ran is dead too, though he wouldn't be sure.

Maybe he's getting soft, but the Mandalorian can't help but ask the _adiik_ if they're hurt. It doesn't seem like it, but it only gets worse from then on.

* * *

He watches Karga's message twice, and then a third time, and then again.

"Bring the child as bait," Karga says.

The Mandalorian looks beside him in what would be the co-pilot's seat. The adiik is curled up asleep there, body rising and falling slightly with each breath.

Bring the child as _bait._

He's starting to get pretty sick of this. Why in the kriffing galaxy can't people just leave a kid alone?

("Not everyone's as kind hearted as you are," Father says. "Can't you be a little more... aggressive?")

Karga is very obviously a trap, but maybe... if he plays his cards right...

* * *

Karga changes his mind after the child saves him from death. Guess the Mandalorian isn't the only hunter who's bound to the _adiik_ now.

Now if only everyone was like Karga, namely all the Imperials swarming Nevarro. Even better, this particular Imp who was taking the time to give them a long and dreary speech about how he was going to crush them all with the E-web outside. He hated slow deaths.

Well, a long and dreary speech until the officer starting listing personal details.

"Perhaps the decommissioned Mandalorian hunter, Din, or should I say, Dian Djarin, has heard the songs of the Siege of Mandalore, when gunships outfitted with similar ordnance laid waste to fields of Mandalorian recruits in The Night of a Thousand Tears," said the Imperial, with little inflection.

He could practically feel the confusion of Dune and Karga, but he also at that moment realized who the officer must be.

Moff Gideon.

Oh, he couldn't wait to kill Gideon. And if Gideon was threatening them, then the _adiik had_ to be safe, right?

(Why isn't Kuill answering?)

* * *

He kind of wishes IG-11 could have just shot him, and ended it all. Instead, he's staggering through empty sewers; and _then_ he remembers telling his _vod_ to move the covert.

Sometimes, he forgets the wrong things and remembers things he should forget.

("What is this?" asked Mum incredulously. "What is this mess?"   
Dian sat before a loom, fidgeting in discomfort. The threads felt dirty in a way Dian couldn't describe; touching them made Dian's fingers itch like it was poison.  
"Start over. You're not stopping until you get this right.") 

Then they come upon a pile of Mandalorian armor, and that's when the Mandalorian realizes this is where they _all_ die.

* * *

The Armorer is still alive, but she will not leave with them. She says that some may yet be alive, offworld.

(Paz?)

She tells him of Jedi, sorcerers existing in stories of long ago that share the abilities of the child.

The Mandalorian wants to stay, help the Armorer. He is in the covert's debt. He should honor his _vod_.

The Armorer doesn't let him. "A foundling is in your care," she says. "By Creed, until it is of age or reunited with its own kind, you are as its father."

(You can't even take care of yourself, how can you take care of another?)

In silence, the Mandalorian feels a lump grow in his throat, watching the _adiik_ poke their head out of their bundle.

He is sent on his way with the jetpack he had so wistfully gazed upon the last time he left Nevarro.

* * *

"Din!" Dune calls, when it's all over and he's parting ways with her and Karga.

Din whips his head around, startled to hear a name unused for so long.

She looks at him for a moment, seeming to choose her words carefully.

"It's gonna be okay," Dune finally says.

(When's the last time that was true?)

Din nods slightly, and then pushes off the ground into the sky with his jetpack. The _adiik_ in his arms giggles a little as the wind rushes around them.

He doesn't look back.

* * *

The second he's got the ship safely in hyperspace, he breaks. His hands shake, and he can't breathe.

Next to him, a small green lump teeths at a familiar Mythosaur necklace. One he thought he'd never see again. It's another of the countless times he'd thought he would die, only to somehow live. It's also, as usual, a survival at the cost of others.

The pile of his vod's helmets is imprinted on the back of his eyelids. Kuill's dead body is on Nevarro too, never to return to his peaceful valley. Kriff, even a damned droid sacrificed itself.

So many dead, because of him. He should have done better. He should have been more careful. He's always been careless, and it's never him that pays.

He doesn't _deserve_ to be alive. He's living on borrowed, no, _stolen_ time.

Din chokes weakly. The phantom pain of too many hours spent with ribs bound tight sends him into a panic. He has to get it off. He's going to die. His lungs are being squeezed and he's not going to-

The chestplate clatters to the ground and he wheezes. Why him? Why are people like this? He's so sick of it, all the aimless killing and death. He hates the unfairness of the galaxy.

(He wants it to be over.)

Then, a small, three clawed hand appears on his thigh as the _adiik_ carefully pulls himself up to cuddle against Din's stomach. He freezes, shocked by the warm lump comfortably curled against him.

Foundlings are the future, echoes a voice in his head from long ago.

There is no going back, so he can only go forward. He must find the _jetti_. The sorcerers will be able to take better care of the child than Din can. In the meantime, his life is to protect this little one, and perhaps they can make their way across the stars together.

**Author's Note:**

> guess what, i am doing oneshots now. because i feel like it and i want pazdin


End file.
